Writing for me

If you are a writer, write!

Simple.  Freeing.  Permission to be authentic.

I am a writer. Does it matter if anyone else reads?

I saw the (If you are a writer, write!) statement recently when I was pondering my current state and I wondered whether I’m  truly being authentic if I deny myself the expression and joy of writing? Does it matter if my words are not published? Does it matter if no eyes bring my words and thoughts into the light from the shadows where they reside? If I truly believe that my core skill is to write, then why do I limit my gift to this blog, to what is safe, to what I can’t ‘fail’ at, to what will not be judged and by what other people tell me there’s already too much of?

Even within this blog, I tend to sensor myself.  So many things I’d love to write about are left unwritten for concerns of hurting feelings or exposing vulnerabilities among those I love. Could I not see this break in employment as a gift of time to write to my heart’s content? Can I bravely take the risk independent of whether anyone will ever read that which I pour out through the tapping of my fingertips and the expression of my self?

Perhaps, after giving every ounce of me to loving my family, it’s time to give to myself permission to really write authentically without fear or restriction, without the constraint of whether anyone would care to read. Perhaps embracing that which I have not given myself permission to embrace before will bring me peace and acceptance.

The search for self-worth and acceptance is one I can remember struggling with even before I entered kindergarten. Doesn’t everyone want to belong? The place I’ve felt the strongest embrace is in my role as mother and in the relationships with my children. Perhaps I need to find that self in me and give her permission to experience the freedom to write – simply for the joy of it. Perhaps too, my children will one day appreciate my writing but if not, with or without an audience, how can I truly love or accept myself if I constantly push aside the one thing I’ve long held dear as my talent?

Perhaps today is the day I embrace opportunity and give myself authentic permission.